Hope Again?

It is the season of hope. I have hope, I swear......I have hope.

Patti Smith

What was given up?

The ability to manipulate their world with their hands,

in order to fly.



T.H. had a bad headache last night, and he is the one who knows this, today.

HappyMerryChristholidaysKwanzacHanukkah

Whatever. We don't get the day off anyway. But for those of you that do.............


It's the one time of the year I bet you guys wished you worked here, huh?

Thank god for the "Holiday" candy dish.

Winter

Jordan and I huddled under the covers.

"What is it about this time of year?" I asked, getting ready to cry and feel sorry for myself.

"You name it," he answered, forking the last bit of shaved turkey into his mouth.

"The most I can figure is," he wiped the last of the gravy off of his lips, "expectations."

For once I had no answer.

Why You Cry?

We had a half day today, not in honor of John Spencer, but because the whitecoats are zooming off with their holiday plans. Assholes. I am becoming hateful and mean the longer I work here.

RayMan came by, he had a small reel "Walking Home"

He tried to tell me it was going to be okay. I looked at him, what a sweet face! How in the hell was that clip going to make me feel okay?

I feel okay sometimes.

I cannot save the world.

I do not like becoming bitter. It was not supposed to turn out this way. Damn damn damn damn damn.

Where's Jordan? God, I kissed Julianne, and it seems like the days fell away.

Goodbye John

Luka called me tonight. I was still heady from my kiss.

"Peter," his accent was so soothing. I figured he was going to give me hell about kissing Julianne. I was wrong.

"Do you remember when you and Anna met in the film business?"

"Uh, yes...?" I stammered, wondering if this was part of his plan to get Anna and Sam to remember us.

"Do you remember the show "The West Wing" that she wound up working on?"

""Yes..." I was still confused.

"Well, John Spencer, the man who played Leo, died of a heart attack today," he said briskly. '"He was only fifty-eight," he added, his voice trailing off.

""What? Why are you telling me this?" I felt as if I could not take another loss.

"I was thinking that perhaps if we showed her his picture, told her that he was dead, it might spark a memory...."

"You mercenary fuck!" I screamed

""It's a mercenary time, Peter. I know you liked the man. So did she. I am from Croatia, remember? You do what you have to do."

I slammed the phone down and rocked back and forth for a long, long time.

Love?

"Hey Jools" I asked late tonight, after the shopping meds had kicked in. "Want to go to the mall or something?"

Okay, I admit it, I have had a crush on her for as long as I have worked here.

The biggest test of trust we all go through is telling each other our real names.

"Peter, I don't shop, you know that," she pushed pens around on her desk as if they were ants.

"Julianne!" I yelled, "is it Smith? Springsteen? Phillips?"

Her skin grew more pale, if that was possible, then she fired back,

"Peter, is it Kilburn? Mahan? Legier, Jaramillo, Kirkwood?"

I felt ashamed. Neither of us could even pronounce, much less spell, our supposed last names.

"Juli, I''m sorry, it's the holidays, the drugs, its, I don't........."

She kissed me, hard.

" Peter," she whispered, "It doesn't matter what our names are now, or what they were then. It doesn't matter how people perceive us, really. Nothing matters anymore, except for us getting out."

I returned her kiss with the desperation of time. God, she was beautiful.

"Okay," I breathed into her neck, "okay."

Have a happy happy happy

Well, I think those spending meds are great. Dr E. did not say what would happen if they were all taken at once, WITH alcohol, or Pepsi, or coffee, but it sure looks like fun.

I have put in a request to go spend but I doubt they'll process it.

Still, I have the picture of other people all fucked up, and I don't feel so alone.

Bye bye 2005!!!

Nervous

Eat, drink, sleep. How do we do that without AMBIEN -- how do we do that at all? I am frightened. Everybody around me has confidence that either they are doing their jobs well or they will get out of here. I have neither. I don't think my work is all that exemplary, and I do not think we are ever going to escape. I am trapped in a mundane world of my own making, and I either become withdrawn or bitchy with others. It's just a life, what does it matter? But I am worried that I might say or do something irreparable, either to myself or my friends.

It is just the holidays talking, I guess

Hearts

It's the holidays, as Luka calls them, "the Sillydays". People seem more crazy than usual, stressed and nuts. We feel at this time of year at one with others, as we are this stressed all year round. Luka just went into the lunchroom, when suddenly his heart started pounding, his arm went numb, and he thought his head was going to explode.

You would think that working here, someone would be posted at all doorways, at the ready, just in case anybody collapsed. Not here. Luka had been lying on a cot, trying to breathe, for over two hours. Jordan was the first to notice.

"Peter" he came hurrying down the aisle, "Luka is sick, he is unable to breathe......"

We ran into the lunchroom, where Luka was struggling to get up.

"It's okay you guys - it's just stress."

He took a deep breath.

"Plus, I think I have the combination to bring Anna and Sam back," his eyes fluttered and he flopped back.

Idiot men

"God," Julianne ripped into the restaurant, late as usual.

"We're getting older, sure, but to cry about it! Our job is to convince people that they are not going to die! Don't you guys think that is kind of sick??"

Juli has always been high strung, but when you can get past the timbre of her voice, she actually makes sense.

I was foolish enough to try and outshout her.

"Jools!" I harked, "how can you wear all white and talk so black?"

She threw her shoe.

"Peter, have you never worn grey?"

No

I sat at home that night, full of shrimp and beer.

So many people are cold and hungry, and I am feeling sorry for myself.

AnnaCorvo's husband does not know where she is, and Sam has no family, no one there for him. He reconciled that with being a "free spirit", yet when he found people that loved him, well, we became his family, and he had been so excited.

Anna.....we need you.

Sam, for god's sake, stop playing dead.

Both of you- don't come home.

Renee came up with a way to smuggle you guys out.

RayMan said, "I think we can do it."

"a street at night, shining black [Western dresses,] moonlight..............(Phoebe, pg 241, vs145)

It's a long story

"Jordan, I am trying to get out of the past and look forward! Can't you get that something might make me cry? A photo, a song, my old life, my country, my friends....Can't you get that I have become robotic and if I even get a hint of what might-have-been, I get angry?

"Oh, Peter," Jordan stared at his now empty plate.

"Do you really think you are unique?"

Jordan demands an explanation

"Peter!" Jordan shouted over the television and the jukebox. He was digging into his Camarones Y Filete Empanizados, managing to eat fried food during dry weather and not puke. Not to mention yelling so loud that the only other two patrons heard him over the noise and gave us a glance.

I kicked him under the table and ordered another beer.

"What?"

I busied myself with my own shrimp, and sucked that beer like happy water.

'Why does the music in the basement upset you? Who is this Tomas Hart, or Hradcky, or whatever his name is, and why does he make you so emotional? We have enough going on, and this music makes you cry? What about Anna? And Sam? If you were going to cry, I would think..."

"Shut up!" I yelled, causing the customers to look again. "It IS about Anna and Sam, it is about the horror of..."

I could not finish. I was tired and did not want to think about work, or loss, or beauty unrecognized. I just wanted to eat my dinner and quiet my mind.

But Jordan was my partner, and my best friend, and he deserved more.

I delved into the past again.